


a flower that looks like you is still with me

by i_was_human



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Band Fic, Found Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: in this place where i breathe,a flower that looks like youis still with me,not withering.-regulus, oneweor: after the death of his oldest groupmate, daehyun's placed in a new group - mayhem - that's nothing like the family he left.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo, Kim Daehyun & Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	a flower that looks like you is still with me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iamliterallyahotpocket](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamliterallyahotpocket/gifts).



> happy birthday frog!! i hope you like this fic!!

_**one day After** _

The first day After, Daehyun does nothing.

What is there to do?

What is there to do besides nothing?

Disembodied harmonies play in his ears, the rhythmic _tmp-tmp-tmp-tmp_ of a bass guitar keeping pace with his heartbeat, and Daehyun exhales, eyes fluttering shut as a dull ache settles into his bones.

What else is there to do besides ache?

Memories repeat every time he closes his eyes, hundreds of thousands of _what-if_ s playing over the space in his mind Jaeyoung once occupied, and his chest _aches_ with the force of it.

He should've been faster, kinder, better, better, _better_ -

Or was that the problem? Was he too good? Was he so good that he pushed Jaeyoung to do what he did?

Was it his fault?

It must have been, right?

After all, Jaeyoung wouldn't- wouldn't do that out of the blue. Never would. He ~~knows~~ _knew_ Jaeyoung better than anyone, and the Jaeyoung he knew would never do something like that.

He can't say the word.

One day After, and he can't say the word.

(a part of him wonders if he ever will.

But Jaeyoung- Jaeyoung is dead. Jaeyoung is dead and gone and that dull space in Daehyun's chest _aches_ with the force of his grief, just as it always has, and Daehyun is always, always trapped in the _missing_.

( _"older brother,"_ he once tried, putting a name to that emotion he always, always felt. _"my older brother."_

this was back when he thought jaeyoung would stay. 

this was back when he thought jaeyoung cared.)

He curls in even tighter, snagging a piece of fabric from the edge of the bed. It's his latest conquest - one of Jaeyoung's flannels - and he presses it to his nose, inhaling the comforting scent of coffee and the ocean breeze.

It's not the same.

It's not the same knowing Jaeyoung won't tease him about it the next day, not the same knowing he'll never see Jaeyoung at rehearsals again, not the same knowing his hyung will never drape a flannel over his shoulders that nearly brushes his knees and grin at him and ruffle his hair, and Daehyun only realizes he's screaming when the sound breaks through the haze, but he's screaming, and he can't stop.

Jaeyoung's gone.

Jaeyoung's gone, and screaming is all he can do.

_**ninety-two days After** _

They put him in a dance group.

Of course they do. 

With Jihoon and Minkyu gone, Daehyun's the only one left at the company who can play an instrument, and no one has need of a guitar player who plays with ghosts in his strings and regret in his hands, so he's not surprised.

Regretful, maybe. He'd call it that.

But never surprised.

And sure, he knows two of his groupmates. Kang Dongho, the oldest trainee at the company, known for his skill and pride. Ahn Jaewon, just a bit younger, known for his kindness and looking out for each and every trainee younger than him.

~~(all of them but daehyun, daehyun had s4turn and never thought he'd need anything else, he thought there was nothing else, there should've been nothing else, why why why-)~~

They're going to get more, their CEO says, and Daehyun tunes him out after only a few minutes. 

It all means nothing.

Debut, fame, happiness, love-

all empty promises.

( _"would jaeyoung have wanted you to be a cynic?"_ the part of him that still cares asks, and daehyun counters with this: he's not a cynic. he's not someone who believes all life is hopeless.

he just doesn't believe in idols any longer.

jaeyoung solidified that.)

Dongho and Jaewon believe in all of this, though, and it honestly hurts to see. The way they believe they'll achieve fame if they just work harder, longer, _better_ -

it almost makes Daehyun sick.

At least in a band, you can control your own fate. It's all up to you - all up to the way your fingers move on the keys. When you're an idol, it all depends on how people make you look, how they make you sound, how the media chooses to spin things, and the fickle, fickle whims of your company.

Perhaps Daehyun's putting S4TURN on a pedistal.

Ah, well. At least there's nobody here to knock it off.

_**one thousand one hundred eighty three days Before** _

The first time Daehyun meets Jaeyoung, he thinks the elder is the coolest person in the entire world.

Jaeyoung's got that boy-next-door vibe - bleached-blond hair, a guitar case slung over his back, and an oversized flannel hanging off his shoulders - and before Daehyun can stutter through an introduction, Jaeyoung's loping up to him with an easy smile and introducing himself.

It's Jaeyoung that shows him around their practice room, Jaeyoung that introduces him to their cheerful drummer, Minkyu, and their ever-irritated keyboardist, Jihoon. It's Jaeyoung that gives Daehyun his sheet music, Jaeyoung that helps him set up and listens attentively while Daehyun fumbles with the frets.

It's Jaeyoung that believes in him.

Once they're done with "rehearsal" - though it's really more of Jaeyoung walking him through things while Jihoon glares and Minkyu ignores him - the other two head home, leaving Daehyun and Jaeyoung to pack things up.

"I think they hate me," Daehyun mumbles, looping up a cord and stuffing it into the case. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," Jaeyoung assures him, reaching over to ruffle his hair. "No, no, you did nothing wrong."

(it's a lie. daehyun doesn't know it now, but it's a lie. he ruined everything by joining the group. he never should've auditioned, never should've tried, because if he did, jaeyoung would still be alive-)

"Ah," Daehyun beams, easily reassured by the lie. "That's good!"

Jaeyoung smiles a bit, the edges tinted with sadness. "Don't worry about it, Daehyun-ah. They'll love you."

(it's only now that daehyun realizes jaeyoung hated him too, at first.

everyone did.

jaeyoung was just too kind to let him struggle.

daehyun wishes he had. god, daehyun wishes he had. wishes jaeyoung was just a bit more selfish, a bit less selfless, stopped giving everything to everyone else and kept a bit of joy for himself-)

"I hope so..." Daehyun trails off, and Jaeyoung's smile turns a bit more real.

"Don't worry about it."

And so he didn't. Naïve little thirteen year old he was - he never worried.

(he should've. god, he should've.)

**_one hundred eleven days After_ **

Their lineup gets finalized twenty days later.

A new trainee sits next to Dongho in the row, a teasing grin on his lips and brown hair hanging in his eyes, and Daehyun glances at him, unsure if he's ever seen him around the company, but the CEO answers the question for him.

"This is Lee Minsoo," the CEO states, "and we recently bought out his company, High Class Entertainment. After a series of tests, it was determined he'd be a good fit for this group, and so I expect you to treat him well."

 _What tests are there S4TURN didn't pass?_ Daehyun wonders, digging his nails into his palms. _What didn't we try? What wasn't enough?_

"Daehyun-ah?"

His head jerks up, gaze landing on the CEO, and _oh_ , Jaewon's looking at him with those eyes, those eyes he knows so, so well, and _god_ , Daehyun hates seeing that look on anyone that's not Jaeyoung, it looks _wrong_ on everyone other than Jaeyoung, but the words stick in his throat, and he chokes on them, just like he always has.

(just like he did when he saw how brittle jaeyoung's smiles were getting, just like he did when jaeyoung insisted he take all the parts, because it was his hyung, it was jaeyoung, and he was unbreakable-)

"It's nice to meet you," Daehyun chokes out, and Minsoo gives him a wary smile in response.

"It's nice to meet you too, Daehyun-ah! How old are you?"

"'96," Daehyun forces out, and he thinks to himself, _if anyone is '91, I will cry_.

Luckily, Dongho's the oldest, born in '92, and so Daehyun just blinks back tears for the rest of the meeting, three new hyungs saved in his contacts in a vain attempt to replace the old.

(he hasn't texted minkyu or jihoon. they must hate him. must must must, he took their jaeyoung, he took jaeyoung from them, took his debut and his parts and his smile and they must, must hate him-)

Jaewon comes up to him after the meeting, asks if Daehyun wants to go out to eat, and for a moment, when Daehyun looks at him, all he can see is Jaeyoung.

( _he just wants jaeyoung back why can't jaeyoung come back-_ )

He makes up some excuse about having homework and flees the scene, leaving Jaewon to stare, helpless, as he disappears.

(he can't. can't. jaewon's too much like jaeyoung.)

_**eight hundred nineteen days before** _

When Jaeyoung first brings up making Daehyun main vocal, they're all sure he's joking.

Minkyu laughs and takes a swig from his water bottle, twirling a drumstick around between his fingers with practiced ease. Next to him, Jihoon stares at Jaeyoung with narrowed eyes, distrust flickering in his expression, and Jaeyoung looks-

sure.

Like this is something he's thought about.

Like this is something he's _considered_.

"But you're the main vocal," Daehyun points out, as if that's fact, and it _is_. Jaeyoung has a deep, sultry voice the likes of which Daehyun could _never_ match, and to take his main vocal position from him feels like nothing short of blasphemy.

"You'd be better," Jaeyoung simply states, and Jihoon stares at him, visibly bewildered. 

"You're amazing, Jaeyoung-ah. And Daehyun-ah is just a kid. You're better for this."

"As well," Jaeyoung continues, steamrolling through his best friend's objections, "I think I should step back to bass guitar now that Dae-yah can hold his own."

This, of course, leads to _significantly_ more objections.

"You're an amazing guitarist!" Daehyun protests, and in the back, Minkyu tries to wrangle Jihoon away from wringing their talented, idiotic leader's neck. "Of course you should stay on guitar!"

"But you'll be even better," Jaeyoung states, as if that's fact. Maybe, to him, it is. Daehyun doesn't know how his brain works.

"Stop with the nonsense," Jihoon demands, and Jaeyoung gives him a genial sort of smile.

"I'm not joking, Ji-yah. I really think Dae-yah would be best for this."

"God, you're an idiot. Get this through your head - _you are the main guitarist and vocal_. Nobody's changing that."

"Nobody but me!" Jaeyoung beams, and for a moment, Daehyun realizes that there's _so much more_ to Jaeyoung than just the caring older brother he's always known.

Then the moment passes, and Jaeyoung flops into a seat in the corner of the room, picking up his guitar and starting to tune it. "I'm not budging on this, you know."

He never did.

Jaeyoung was always stubborn like that.

_**one hundred thirty nine days After** _

"You should come with us!" Minsoo beams, and Daehyun stares at his outstretched hand for a moment and thinks.

He thinks about Minkyu, dragging him out to the arcade after long practices because they were the two youngest, and Jihoon and Jaeyoung were always, always working between practices, but he and Minkyu had nothing to do but live and laugh and just _be_. He thinks about the rare times Jaeyoung would join them, and the even rarer times he'd drag Jihoon along with him, and the four of them would go to some shitty karaoke bar and belt lyrics at the tops of their lungs, and Daehyun would laugh and Minkyu would tease Jihoon about how invested he was, and Jaeyoung would always, always watch, pride shining in his eyes.

For a moment, he nearly accepts.

But his gaze shifts, sliding past Minsoo's smiling face and landing on Jaewon, and grief bubbles up in his chest, sharp and biting and _oh so fresh_.

Jaeyoung's never going to come to karaoke with him again.

Jaeyoung's- Jaeyoung's never going to drag Jihoon with him, because he left, and Minkyu's never going to bring Daehyun with him, because Minkyu left too, and now it's just Daehyun, one part out of four, a broken fragment of a star that used to be whole.

"No thanks," he smiles, and it's twisted and cracking and _so, so weak_ , but it's either that or crying, and _god_ does Daehyun not want to cry in front of his new groupmates. "I'm just gonna head home."

(new groupmates new groupmates _new groupmates becauase jaeyoung is dead-_ )

His mind plays the fact on loop, but that hardly makes it easier to believe.

"Oh," Minsoo frowns, disappointment flickering in his eyes. "If you're sure..."

And Dongho grabs his wrist, yanking him off with irritation sparking in his eyes, and Minsoo squawks, reaching up to swat at his shoulder, and for a moment, Daehyun's reminded of Jihoon and Minkyu so much it _aches_.

He still has their contacts.

He should text them.

He _should_ , but they won't respond.

After all, who'd respond to the person who killed your best friend?

_**forty-six days After** _

"We're leaving the company," is all Jihoon says, and Daehyun stares at him, all sound giving way to a distant, dull sort of ringing.

He can hear Minkyu saying something else, the elder's lips moving and eyes wide with concern, but all Daehyun can think is _this is how it ends_.

This is how it ends - with severed contracts and sheet music spilled over the floor and a star fractured, drifting off to different corners of the universe to disintegrate. 

"You should come with us," Minkyu's begging, and Daehyun just stares at him, unsure of what to do.

He can't leave.

He can't- he _can't leave_.

Despite all this, a part of him still longs for the stage, still longs to perform, still longs to play in a band with someone else, and he can't just throw that all away ~~and they must blame him for Jaeyoung, they must, he blames himself so why wouldn't they~~ for a chance at a future that's not even defined.

"Minkyu-yah," Jihoon murmurs, and Minkyu takes a step back, pain flickering in his puppy-like eyes.

"I... I understand. Please take care, Daehyun-ah."

Daehyun wants to beg them to stay, wants to beg them to give it another chance, to stay, to _not leave him alone_ , but he can't.

Not when he's the reason they need to leave in the first place.

Minkyu bids him a farewell and makes him promise to text, and Jihoon stares at a space just next to his head, lips pursed in a melancholy frown and dark bags underscoring his eyes, and Daehyun musters up a half-hearted goodbye, not wanting to look what he's done in the face for any longer than he needs to.

Call it cowardice, call it fear, call it guilt - all Daehyun knows is that _this is his fault_.

After all, if the three of them had debuted, Jaeyoung would still be alive.

Minkyu waves to him as they head out of the building, smile half-hearted as the door swings open, and as soon as it shuts, Daehyun falls to his knees, an aching, broken sob tearing its way from his throat. 

They're gone.

His hyungs- his _friends_ -

they're all gone.

_**four hundred eighty eight days Before** _

"I used to hate you, you know," Minkyu admits, and Daehyun turns to him, thoroughly taken aback.

"You did?"

"Mhm," Minkyu admits, tilting his glass from side to side and watching the way the liquid sloshes. "We were supposed to debut before you came along, y'know? Just the three of us. And then..."

He trails off, but Daehyun can fill in the gaps.

"...I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Minkyu laughs, but anyone with ears can tell it's not. "'sides, I wasn't even the one most upset about it. That was Jaeyoung-hyung."

"...he was?"

"Oh yeah," Minkyu hums, tilting his head to stare into his glass. "He fought it a lot at first. Said that we'd be fine with just the three of us."

The drummer's hair falls out of its perch behind his ear, and he laughs a bit, tapping his fingers along the edge of his glass. "Don't think he doesn't care, though, Dae-yah. He was the one who tried to get us to reach out 'n everything. Said there was a reason you'd been added to the team and that you were a good kid."

Daehyun stares at the elder for a moment, taking in his sharp features the dim light barely illuminates, and for a moment, he feels a pang of _regret_.

If he hadn't auditioned, would his hyungs have debuted already?

If he hadn't auditioned, would his hyungs be winning awards and have fans and sell out concerts on their own? If he hadn't auditioned, would Minkyu be here with Jaeyoung and Jihoon instead, the trio trading jokes and stories over snacks and drinks?

He thinks so, and that _scares him_.

"Hey," Minkyu mutters, and Daehyun blinks as the drummer's index finger comes to rest between his eyebrows. "You look upset. What's wrong?"

"Ah- everything's fine, hyung!" Daehyun lies, and Minkyu isn't fooled by it for a second, if the look on his face is anything to go by.

"Hey," he repeats, voice softer, "you know you're an important part of the team, right?"

And _god_ , Daehyun wants to say yes, wants to believe he's an important part of the team, wants to believe his hyungs care and want him here and aren't burdened by his presence, but it's hard to say it when you've just been told you're the thing dragging the team down.

Not trusting his words, he nods instead, and Minkyu seems to believe it, based on the dopey grin he gives him in reply before segueing into a discussion on a new game he's really into.

He probably thinks Daehyun's going to forget.

Daehyun never forgets.

_**one hundred ninety nine days After** _

They debut.

They debut, and Daehyun stands on the stage he was always meant to stand on with his hyungs and feels the world tilt under his feet.

It feels like everything's moved two inches to the left, the world effectively the same except for the niggling feeling of _something being wrong_ , and as Daehyun stares out into the stadium, he has the overwhelming feeling that _Jaeyoung belongs here_.

He feels like a fish pulled onto dry land and expected to swim - taken out of everything that makes it possible and expected to perform the same - and just like that fish, he _can't breathe_.

His breath sticks in his throat, and his grip tightens around the mic, the world flickering in and out like a strobe light. Someone claps his shoulder - ~~_Jihoon_~~ _Dongho_ , he distantly realizes - and he blinks once-twice-thrice, trying to focus on the here and now.

_He can't._

_He can'thecan'thecan't-_

Not without Jaeyoung.

Not-

not without the person who taught him how to breathe.

"Dae-yah," someone's saying, and he blinks, gaze landing on a blurry face in front of him. "Dae-yah, breathe-"

_"Dae-yah, breathe-"_

Jaeyoung.

He rips his shoulder from _JaeyoungJaewon_ 's grasp and takes a step back, grip tightening around his mic. It's- it's Jaeyoung, it's not Jaeyoung, he can't be here without Jaeyoung, but Jaeyoung's _dead_ -

"Dae-"

"Medic!"

And someone's shouting and someone's grasping his hands and he lets the mic slip from his fingers, the loud whine of feedback filling the stadium, and as someone scoops him up, he falls deep, deep down.

_**three hundred sixty five days Before** _

"Dae-yah, _breathe_."

Daehyun nods, sucking in a shuddering breath as his grip tightens on his guitar. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

Jaeyoung smiles, soft and weary, and he reaches up to ruffle Daehyun's hair, pride shining in his eyes. "You're doing great, Dae-yah."

"...'m sorry, hyung."

And Jaeyoung's smile deepens, then, taking on an extra level of tenderness, and he pokes Daehyun's nose, teasing mirth in his eyes. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Dae-yah. You're nervous. We all are."

"What if I mess up?"

"We'll cover for you."

"What if you don't?"

"Dae-yah," Jaeyoung murmurs, and Daehyun blinks as something warm falls across his shoulders.

Oh.

It's Jaeyoung's flannel.

"Hyung...?"

"This is a promise," Jaeyoung states, reaching down to grasp Daehyun's hands. "This is me promising that no matter where I am, I'll _always_ watch over you."

"Oh," Daehyun weakly replies, and Jaeyoung's grin turns lighter in an instant.

"You feeling better?"

"...yeah. Thank you, hyung."

"If that helps, I should give you my flannels more often," Jaeyoung jokes, but there's a hint of genuine offering to his voice. "Does it help?"

"...yeah."

"Alright, then. Remind me to bring a flannel for you tomorrow."

_**two hundred days After** _

When Daehyun opens his eyes, he's in the hospital.

He feels like he should be concerned that he has no idea how he got here, but at the same time, he's far too tired to care.

His gaze drifts from the wall to the person asleep at his bed, and he blinks _once-twice-thrice_ at the head of crimson hair, bewilderment washing over him.

Jaewon?

What's Jaewon doing here?

A cursory glance around the room reveals the rest of MAYHEM - Dongho curled up on the couch and Minsoo drooling on a plastic chair - and Daehyun blinks once more, reaching up to rest his hand in Jaewon's hair.

What is this...?

Jaewon sniffs a bit, raising his head to stare at him, and for a moment, all the two of them can do is look - Jaewon at Daehyun's wide eyes, and Daehyun at his groupmate's messy hair and makeup-smeared face - before Jaewon clasps Daehyun's hand, tears shimmering in his eyes.

"I'm sorry!"

What?

"What?" Daehyun echoes, and Jaewon grasps his hand even tighter, as if he can battle Daehyun's crushing grief with touch alone.

"I should've noticed you weren't doing well, and I didn't. I'm sorry, Daehyun-ah."

 _God_ , Jaewon reminds him of Jaeyoung.

"It's fine," Daehyun assures him, and Jaewon stares at him, dark eyes (kind eyes, kind, kind eyes, jaeyoung's eyes were always kind) flickering with pain.

"You're in the hospital, Daehyun-ah."

So he is.

"It's fine," Daehyun repeats, and Jaewon clasps his hand impossibly tighter.

"What... what happened, Daehyun-ah?"

He knows.

He must know.

He must know, and yet here he is, pretending like he doesn't know. How could he not know? Everyone loved Jaeyoung.

He knows, and he's asking Daehyun to tell him again, asking him to rip the scab off a still-raw wound to please him, and Daehyun feels a wave of sudden, irrational _hatred_.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Jaewon's eyes flicker again, and _oh_ , they're so kind, so soft, so much like Jaeyoung's that it _hurts_ -

"I want to help, Daehyun-ah-"

"Leave me alone," Daehyun snaps, but the words come out lacking any venom. No - instead, he just pulls his knees to his chest and mashes his face into them, trying his best not to cry.

He wants Jaeyoung.

He wants Jaeyoung to be here, wants him to wrap his flannel around his shoulders and promise to stay, wants Jaeyoung to sit with him and hold his hand and promise it'll be okay, wants his _older brother back-_

The door clicks, and his breath hitches, and he buries his face in his knees and finally, finally cries.

_**two hundred eighteen days Before** _

There is no beginning of the end.

There is no moment Daehyun can point to and say _this, this is the moment everything went wrong_. There's no moment he can point to and say _this is when I should've known_ , because there _wasn't_.

Jaeyoung trades in secrecy, in sugar-coated lies and half-truths, and Daehyun has always been so, so trusting, and Jihoon's as emotionally available as a brick, and Minkyu never understands this kind of thing, anyways, and so Jaeyoung spirals.

Daehyun remembers one night, though.

Jaeyoung's practicing late, his usual farewell given to Jihoon ( _"goodnight! i love you!" "yeah, yeah."_ ) and when Daehyun pushes open the door, the eldest's eyes are shut, his flannel hanging off his lanky frame and fingers moving over his guitar's frets.

He doesn't notice Daehyun's entrance for a few minutes, instead opting to continue working on his piece, and it's only when Daehyun clears his throat that his head snaps up, pensive expression changing to a smile in an instant.

"Ah, Dae-yah!" he greets, leaning his guitar against the wall. "Why're you here so late?"

"Waiting for you," Daehyun admits, and Jaeyoung sighs, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.

"I'm just gonna be working a bit later. You should head home without me."

It's useless reasoning with Jaeyoung when he's like this. Daehyun knows that as well as anyone - knows the story that's been told over and over with bandaged fingers and bloodshot eyes by heart.

It's usually best to change the subject.

"My mom wants you to come over for dinner again soon," he states in lieu of a reply, and Jaeyoung smiles, reaching over to grasp his guitar once more.

"I'm free as often as you are, y'know."

"But you're working late."

"That I am."

Daehyun plops himself down on the chair next to him, and Jaeyoung sighs, though there's a hint of fond exasperation to it. "You want my flannel?"

"I need some way to make sure you don't sleep through practice tomorrow," Daehyun teases, and Jaeyoung huffs a bit, wriggling out of the fabric.

"I don't sleep through practice that often!"

"I know," Daehyun beams, smile only growing as the soft fabric falls over his shoulders. "Still!"

He sticks his arms through the sleeves and flaps them around a few times, smile bright as his sweater paws flick through the air. "Look!"

Jaeyoung smiles at him, expression immeasurably _fond_ , and Daehyun beams, flicking his sweater paws a few more times for good measure.

His hyung always looks so happy when he smiles. He should do it more, Daehyun thinks.

"Will you go home now?" Daehyun presses, and Jaeyoung sighs, reaching over to grasp his guitar.

"Sure. Lemme just clean up here, and then we can head out."

"Thank you, hyung!" Daehyun beams, and Jaeyoung grins, grasping his guitar case and flicking it open.

"Of course, Dae-yah."

_**two hundred two days After** _

Out of all the members of MAYHEM, Jaewon's the one Daehyun wants to see the least.

Dongho's the one he's most familiar with - both through the grapevine and the one time Jaeyoung recruited him to test out a few keyboard parts before showing them to Jihoon (and wasn't _that_ a trip in retrospect, seeing his stoic groupmate look up to jaeyoung and call him hyung and see the two of them sitting in the corner of the dimly-lit practice room, trading beat ideas and ignoring the rest of the world) - but they've never been _close_. He wasn't even that close with Jaeyoung either, save for the few times they'd work together on pieces and, reportedly, Jaeyoung's failed attempt to get Dongho to join the band.

Minsoo, though.

Minsoo knows nothing about Jaeyoung, knows nothing about S4TURN, knows nothing about the gaping hole in Daehyun's chest that the three people he once looked up to used to occupy, and Daehyun isn't sure if this is a relief or a burden, because if he tries to explain it to Minsoo, he has to say That Word, and though it's been two hundred and two days, he can't say it.

He still can't say it.

Still, it doesn't matter if he can say That Word, because they're set to perform, and Daehyun's fiddling with the sleeves of his flannel (a request - it's the last one, the one that still smells faintly of coffee and the sea, though that might be his imagination) in an attemtp to calm his racing heart.

He still can't say it.

Is this cowardice, selfishness, or grief?

Someone taps the door, and he raises his head, gaze landing on his groupmate's familiar face.

Ah.

"That's Jaeyoung-hyung's," Dongho states in lieu of preamble, and Daehyun screws his eyes shut, the familiar well of grief that comes with his older brother's name threatening to overflow yet again. "They let you wear it?"

"Mhm," he chokes out, and Dongho's expression does _something_ as he moves closer, the elder taking a seat a few feet away and letting his hands rest in his lap.

For a moment, they don't talk.

It's comforting, Daehyun decides. Not talking.

He drums his fingers over his denim-clad thighs, the too-long sleeves falling over his palms and threatening to engulf his fingers. It's always been nice, wearing Jaeyoung's flannels - even if they made it hard to play sometimes - and as Daehyun closes his eyes, he can imagine his older brother's hugging him for just a moment.

"...I'm sorry."

Daehyun blinks, jolted out of his reverie by the sound of his groupmate's voice, and he turns, gaze landing on Dongho's face.

"What?"

"I should've said it sooner," Dongho adds, and _oh_ , there's that look in his eyes, that look in his eyes that Jihoon always had, but it's _not the same_.

It's not the same, and Daehyun doesn't know how to feel about that.

"...what?"

"You still miss Jaeyoung," Dongho states, as if it's fact.

And, well, it _is_ , but it's not one Daehyun wants to be reminded of.

"You still miss Jaeyoung," Dongho repeats, "and I should've said something sooner. Even if we weren't close, I at least talked with him a bit. I'm sorry for not noticing, and I'm sorry for not reaching out to you."

"Oh," Daehyun breathes, and Dongho nods, gaze shifting to Daehyun's face.

"...do you want a hug...?"

It's an out-of-character offer from Dongho, and they both know it - Dongho especially, given the way his nose scrunches up after the words leave his lips. Still, Daehyun _so desperately_ craves physical touch that he nods, and to his credit, Dongho only looks surprised for a moment before wrapping Daehyun in his arms.

It's nothing like hugging Jaeyoung, Daehyun realizes immediately. Where Jaeyoung was lanky limbs and tight squeezes, Dongho holds him gently, like he's something on the verge of shattering. Where Jaeyoung's flannels always smelled like coffee and the sea, Dongho smells like pine and something Daehyun can only describe as _warmth_ \- or maybe that's the tears spilling down his face.

"Hey," Dongho murmurs, reaching up to cup the back of Daehyun's head. "You're okay. You're okay. You're not alone anymore."

And Daehyun _wails_ , wails into Dongho's jacket and grips the fabric as tightly as he can, and though Dongho's nothing like Jaeyoung, nothing like his older brother, this is so, so much better than being alone.

_**six hundred fifty four days Before** _

The first time Daehyun meets Dongho, Jihoon's sick.

Jihoon's sick, and it's the dead of winter, and Jaeyoung shows up to their practiced room with a disgruntled man in tow and cheerfully introduces him as Kang Dongho, someone who's going to be working with him for the day.

Daehyun honestly has no idea how to feel.

Dongho gives off the same sort of terror-inducing feel as Jihoon, but unlike Jihoon, he's tall and strong and looks like he could _actually_ break Daehyun in half like a toothpick instead of just threatening to do so.

Short answer: Daehyun is scared of Dongho.

Still, at least he rarely sees him. He's like Jaewon in this way - someone Daehyun vaguely knows of, but only interacts with once in a blue moon.

He's still glad when Jihoon returns, though, the dark-haired man pushing open their studio door with a loud complaint and a resounding sniff, and Jaeyoung runs to greet him as usual, thrusting some sheet music in front of him.

"What's this?" Jihoon asks, voice nasal and rasping, and Jaeyoung beams, thrusting them a bit more aggressively in his direction.

"Music! I got Dongho-yah to help me!"

Jihoon's nose wrinkles up at the name, and he snatches the music from Jaeyoung's hands, plopping himself in front of the keyboard to read it.

"...better than I expected from Steinway," he grouses, and Jaeyoung beams, leaning on the wall next to him.

"So you like it?"

"It's better than I expected," Jihoon corrects, tapping his pencil against the paper. "That doesn't mean it's _good_."

"You know you like Dongho-yah's work," Jaeyoung hums, and Jihoon rolls his eyes.

"I don't give a shit if it's Steinway composing it or not. Good is good."

"I think you do care," Jaeyoung beams, and Jihoon throws a pencil in his face. "Ah, I love you too, Ji-yah!"

"Fuck off," Jihoon mutters, though there's no bite to it. "Go warm up."

Jaeyoung grins, heading off to tune his guitar, and Daehyun's not sure if he's imagining the way the eldest's smile seems to fall a bit limp at the edges or not, but it's not something he dwells on either way.

_**three hundred fifty nine days After** _

Bits of memory look like this:

Minkyu's laugh while Daehyun's making coffee, the phantom giggles of the drummer ringing through the silent air as he flicks on the coffee maker.

The phantom sounds of a piano when he arrives late at night, his studio apartment haunted by the ghosts of all the dinners they hosted here and all the nights Jihoon would sit at the piano and play until dinner and even after, music flowing from his fingertips like water.

The smell of Jaeyoung's cooking - he was the only one who could cook until Daehyun started to learn - and he always made the same dish - cooked beef and noodles - and every time Daehyun sees a pack of that shredded beef, he has to swallow around a lump in his throat.

Ghosts haunt these halls.

Ghosts haunt these halls, each happy memory coated with the dark film of _death_ , and in each and every memory, there's Jaeyoung, Jaeyoung leaning against the counter, Jaeyoung strumming along to the piano, Jaeyoung standing at the stove, _JaeyoungJaeyoungJaeyoung-_

And yet.

And yet, there are other moments now, too.

His feet slide on the floor, and he's reminded of Dongho, the eldest's sneakers squeaking on the wooden floor as he leaps into a flip, hair pushed back from his face and a thrilling piano beat pounding through the sneakers.

A pop song comes on, and he's reminded of Minsoo belting SA1NT's songs off-key in the break room, insisting loudly to anyone that could hear that _yes, he is better than his brother_ until Dongho hoists him over his shoulder and carries him off, a fond sort of smile on his lips.

A chip bag rustles in a certain way, and he's reminded of Jaewon, the elder bringing him a bag of chips during a long rehearsal, and he inhales them in seconds, Jaewon's bright laughter ringing through the air like bells.

Jaewon still reminds him of Jaeyoung, most days.

But there are- there are _some_ where he doesn't, and that's progress, he thinks.

He might not know exactly what progress looks like, but he thinks it's something like that.

He hopes it's something like that.

_**four hundred ninety one days after** _

He sees them at an award show.

It's just a glimpse, just for a moment, but it's enough to send all his progress tumbling _down-down-down_ and he's looking at them and standing there and all he can see is the ghost of Jaeyoung hovering behind them, the missing beats between them stretching like a chasm, and he's not sure if he's falling or flying or running or breathing but they're standing there, they're standing there, and all his old guilt and pain and _grief_ comes back in a tidal wave, threatening to overwhelm him-

and so he runs.

He runs, and he can hear people shouting, can hear his heart pounding in his ears, but it's all too bright and too loud and too _much_ and Jaeyoung isn't here, he wants his hyung and he isn't here, he isn't here because he's dead, he's dead, he's dead and all that's left is his flannel and guitar and memories and so, so much guilt-

"Dae..."

Someone grasps his wrists, and he _wails_ , the sound tearing its way from his throat and leaving a sharp stinging in his wake, and he's not sure if that's the tears or the razor-edged words slipping through his lips and cutting his tongue, but it hurts and it stings and he _wants it to stop_ but Jaeyoung's the only one who could ever make it stop, and he's dead, he's dead and without him, the water's going to swallow him whole-

"Dae-yah, Dae-yah, it's okay-"

He doesn't know who's saying it, doesn't know if it's Jaeyoung or Dongho or Jihoon or Jaewon or Minsoo or whoever the fuck it is, but it's not Jaeyoung, is it, because Jaeyoung's dead and it's all Daehyun's fault and Jihoon and Minkyu blame him, they must, because _he_ blames him and if he blames him then it must be his fault-

"Daehyun-ah, it's Jihoon. Can you look at me?"

If he looks, he'll see the tidal wave, see that anger and disappointment and _rage_ because _fuck_ , they must hate him, Jaeyoung's dead and it's his fault, and the record scratches on that line, keeps replaying it in his mind on repeat - _Jaeyoung'sdeadandit'shisfaultJaeyoung'sdeadandit'shisfault_ \- and his breath stutters in his chest as he curls in on himself, nails digging into his scalp in an attempt to-

to do what?

Claw the guilt out?

"Dae-yah," a second person murmurs, and a hand comes up to cup his cheek, and it feels like burning and freezing all at once, and Daehyun can't breathe.

"Dae-yah, can you look at me?"

He looks.

He looks, and his breath is still suspended in free-fall, not moving, not changing, and as his gaze traces the familiar planes of Minkyu's face, it hangs there, neither willing to be let loose or to stay.

Minkyu's here.

Minkyu's here, Minkyu's crouched in front of him with dyed hair and drumsticks sticking out of his pocket, Minkyu's here, Minkyu's here, Minkyu's here-

Daehyun can't breathe.

Minkyu studies him for a moment, _deep deep eyes_ wide with concern, and before Daehyun can move, Minkyu's wrapping him in a hug, and _oh_.

Oh.

His brain stutters for a moment before coming to an abrupt stop, and he goes limp in Minkyu's arms, not moving a muscle as the elder buries his face in his neck.

What?

"I'm sorry," Minkyu breathes, reaching up to grip a fistful of Daehyun's jacket. "I'm so sorry, Dae-yah-"

Someone sits by his side and drapes an arm over his shoulders - Jihoon, he faintly realizes - and he chokes on a lump in his throat, screwing his eyes shut in a vain attempt to fight back tears.

"I miss Jaeyoung-hyung," he gasps, his breath sticking in his throat and words getting tangled up on his tongue before he can let them loose. "I miss- hyung- I miss-"

"I know," Jihoon murmurs, reaching over to rub small circles into his back. "I know, Daehyun-ah."

A pause.

"You know I love you, right?"

(later on, jihoon will tell him that _that_ , more than anything, is what he felt guilty for. the thought that jaeyoung died not knowing how he felt.

not knowing how much he cared.

minkyu tells him jihoon's been trying to be nicer these days, been trying to express his feelings and everything, and jihoon stomps on his foot but nods nonetheless, a faint, faint smile on his lips.

 _"i never want anyone else i love to die thinking i hate them,"_ jihoon tells him once night, when the stars are out and the air is cold and the feeling of _missing_ hangs between them like a blanket, uniting and comforting and _so, so heavy_. _"i can't do that again_."

daehyun understands.

he feels the same.)

In this moment, in this now, Daehyun's forced to admit that _no, he doesn't know_ , and instead of saying anything, he simply bursts into tears.

Somehow, despite him saying nothing, that's enough, and for the first time, Jihoon understands what he's saying without words.

"I'm sorry," the eldest murmurs, pressing his face into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Daehyun-ah."

And Daehyun just-

cries.

He cries, and cries, and it hurts and burns and aches but he feels _so, so clean_ afterwards, like the dam that he's been building for years has finally, finally shattered and washed everything clean, leaving fertile land in its wake.

He can heal now, he thinks. Really and truly heal. 

_**eight hundred fifty five days After** _

"Hi, everyone!"

Daehyun waves to the camera, a bright smile on his face, before he turns to the pair next to him, smile only seeming to grow at the sight of them. "I'm here with Jihoon-hyung and Minkyu-hyung from 5Proof!"

"Hi!" Minkyu beams, and Daehyun's smile grows impossibly wider.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why we're here together, and that's 'cause we used to be in a group together!"

Shocked comments flood in, and Daehyun sagely nods, sliding colder to bump shoulders with Jihoon. "Yeah! We were going to debut and everything, until we... until we didn't, but we talked it over a lot, and decided we wanted to play the song we were going to debut with. So someone can hear it."

He clicks on a metronome, and Minkyu nods, tapping his drumsticks against the bucket in his lap. Jihoon pulls in his keyboard, and Daehyun picks up his guitar, pushing the sleeves of his flannel up to his shoulders as the metronome ticks off.

_One, two, three, four-_

Like this, it feels like nothing's ever changed.

Daehyun sings the lines he's always known, words tumbling over his lips like the most powerful storm. Next to him, he can hear Jihoon and Minkyu playing their parts, and as his fingers dance over the frets, for an instant, he can hear Jaeyoung's voice, too.

It feels like it always should've felt.

It feels like they're S4TURN.

"Woo!" someone cheers, and Daehyun grins at the sound of Minsoo's voice, the elder waving a phone above his head like some kind of lightstick. "You go!"

"You've got this, Daehyun-ah!" Jaewon cheers, and Dongho nods, foot tapping along to the beat.

And, well-

this isn't S4TURN, not quite, but it's home nonetheless. 

The song ends, and silence hangs in the air for a moment before Minsoo starts applauding, and Minkyu beams, leaning over to engulf Daehyun in a hug.

"Ah, our maknae! Look at you! You've gotten so good!"

"Hyung," Daehyun giggles, and Minsoo's clapping and cheering in the back, and Dongho and Jaewon look proud, and Jihoon's smiling, and this- this is home. 

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment if you liked it? -w- i worked very hard on it hehe
> 
> no the ocs are not from svt i got their names from wikipedia
> 
> this turned out to have a Lot less mayhem than i intended oops but yknow what that's Fine because i think the rest came out well :DDD
> 
> (and if i get enough comments day 0 might go up :D so leave a comment for that)
> 
> title from regulus by onewe - this au's theme
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


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